Growing up I remember thinking. I would spend a lot of time inside my own mind, but also observing and watching other people. Watching how they reacted to me, to others around them and then thinking about it. I remember thinking a lot about all the things I wanted to do, the places I wanted to see, the people I wanted to meet.
Along the way I started taking what I saw and thought about others and the world around me and began to internalize. A lot. To turn what I saw in, around and back on to myself as a reflection of who I was. Instead of looking out to the world and shaping myself based on what I wanted to achieve, I began to operate on a feedback loop that became increasingly negative as I got older and saw and internalized more. This went on until I got the point that I realised that although I had done some things with my life that I was happy to have done, I hadn’t been present for so much of it because I was too busy thinking about what other people thought of me, or how it would come across to the world.
I was focusing on the perceived notion of myself as opposed to anything else; I was consumed by others’ opinions of me.
In my life so for I have done a lot, met a lot of people and travelled and lived around the world. Some things that I have done in my past, I am not proud of. How I treated some of the people that loved and cared for me in my life was horrible. I am ashamed to say that I behaved in a way that wasn’t in line with the way that I wanted to live my life.
I have come to the realisation that I have instinctively disliked some people in my life because in hindsight, they have reminded me strongly of myself. Because I hated myself so much, I hated them for being like me. Hard to see at the time, but hindsight is a bitch.
Despite all this shit, I have a strong and wonderful group of friends around the world, all of whom I love and trust and believe in.
But anyway, hold up, it’s not all doom today…
I sat down to write this post because I was out on my verandah staring at the moon and realised that I as I go day to day, I am not living the life I want.
I am not trying to challenge myself with new experiences, work or situations. I am happy, sure, but at the same time I know that happiness is a feeling, and everything we do is ultimately meaningless. The only truth we can hold fast to is the certainty of death and the fact remains that you have to just be good to yourself and the people around you; everything else is a creation of your consciousness you do to kill time until you die. Sure, you can kill time with bright lights and glitter and as much music as you can throw at it, but it’s all still noise. So why not make it interesting?
I am not doing enough to be true to myself. This changes now.
I read an article on lifehack recently which really resonated with me. I’m going to be starting Mindful in May very soon and the article reminded me of the dangers of getting trapped and caught up in your own mind, to the point where you lose sight of pretty much everything else.
Let’s not waste time with internal negativity. I encourage you to read the lifehack article. To remember that what you think is just that: a thought. You have thousands a day. The only thing that can change your life is action. And that is the only thing that can truly make you happy.
I plan to act.
sansparoles 