So as anyone who reads this blog for reals, and not just cos you’re googling how your boyfriend holds your hand, you’d know how up and down I am, how I flit from topic to mood swing, and all of it highly dependent on how many drinks I’ve had the night before and how many hours of sleep I’ve had.
This may just be another bout of neurosis, but I’ll tell y’all about it anyway. After all, what else is this blog but a wee trip around the ins and outs of my mind? So, while wrapping my arm in a plastic bag to take a shower tonight, I was struck with an idea. Why, you may ask, was my arm requiring a plastic bag to shower? Easy! It’s swaddled in about 20m of crepe bandage owing to my previous skin condition, Atopic Dermatitis. It also got infected. EW. So, one trip to the hospital later I was good to go… and wrap my arm in a plastic bag.
So after first figuring that I needed a larger bag than the one I was currently trying to wrangle over my bandages, I then jumped in the shower and started thinking about something I’ve honestly been mulling over for weeks now. I’ve been saving money and recently bought a camera that I’d set as one of my saving goals. But I haven’t really done much since then, blaming my lack of activity on work, socialising, exercise, no time… bla bla bla. Whatever Laura. The real reason is I’m lacking direction and motivation.
I’ve been thinking about moving house, moving in with a friend, changing jobs, making movies, taking pictures, writing stories… but none of these ‘life plans’ have really resonated with me. I think I’m just trying to distract myself. It was working fine right up until I was forced to stop dead and had all the time in the world to think.
I’ve been mulling my… life, I guess, over for a couple of weeks now, trying to figure out what’s wrong with the picture in my head. I have money, sure, a job, friends, a nice cozy room, oh, and the grossest finger in the history of the world:
Sorry, I digress. Fucking gross though, right? But hey, mum, my nails are finally growing! Thanks Shellac!
Anyway. The fact that the above skin condition has pretty much forced me to Quasimodo myself away for the last four days has given me the break I needed from my hectic days to figure my shit out. Yeah, I was never gonna put myself on time out, I had to have this little reverie foist upon me. Probably well overdue…
In my time away from work, socialising, working out, running around, generally wasting time; I’ve thought about what I’m doing with my time alive, what I want to do, how I plan to achieve things. I’ve come to realise over the years that I need to have some quiet in my mind to let the truth about what I want to do come out. Well, I got the time this week and what I’ve realised has really resonated with me. I’ve come up with a couple of major realisations which I’ll share here, why not?
- I can’t continue to make decisions based on what others think as it leads to general unhappiness and a lack of fulfilment in my life
- I need to stop pushing myself every day to fill my time, and focus more on quiet moments as a path to figuring myself and my desires out
- I need to put less pressure on myself to know what I want and to instead listen to my head and heart to guide me
- I love having pastel pink hair (this last one was a given but hey – I know it fo’ shure)
thinking about it, I know I want to work with animals, in conservation, with people, to travel, be outdoors, to work within leaping distance of the ocean… and after giving it some thought I thought about putting my savings and time to use and take part in a volunteer internship in Mexico, Thiland or Cambodia working as a scuba diver on the reefs and with marine wildlife. Why the hell not volunteer and gain skills at the same time? It’s right up my alley.
I’m seriously considering it as a viable option for my next adventure.
Watch this space. Oh, and anyone want a couple more shots of my fabulous looking face, dubiously affected by my Dermatitis? Sure you do. Scrolls downs, see?
I hope you’re all fabulously well and healthy reading this and are all remembering not to push yourselves too hard. I’m trying to
Love to all x